MJ's Mind

Ive spent so long on this road running around just feeling lost
I didnt understand how much not knowing where to go was going to cost
Took all my time and energy just to still be at the start
Its even taken a toll on my mind, my soul, and my heart
Damaging me to the very essence of my core
Life’s genre went from being a drama to one of horror
The once bright sky darkened and is now forever night
While the monsters lurk around snuffing out every source of light
It gets harder and harder to tell how far we are apart
no more light, I’m being swallowed by the dark
Suffocating, increasingly difficult to breathe
I want some freedom, its air I need

Trapped inside this lifeless prison
I wonder is this really life im living
Going on, just moving through the cycle
Doin just that takes all my might though
Feeling desperate and even a little bit weak
It only gets worse week after week
Im losing all my strength, my will, my power
Til even my thoughts are those of a cowards

Its been eating me from the depths of my mind
Consuming my thoughts and taking my time
Digesting the light making it harder to find
Devouring anything that has a slight silver line

So I stay here without much of a choice
No-one to hear but still have a voice

I’m tired of what its like being fraid of the dark
I always let it cloud my judgment and my heart
Sick of the cage, I’m coming out, where do I start
1 step 2 step, yea, this is that part

Taking all these steps gotta do what I do
I’m sorry but, I-gotta come through
Ain’t no disrespect but I-gotta be quick on the move
Goin full speed, its been looong overdue

Trapped in my mind, being played as a fool
Been stuck a long time, bits I even lost my cool
Got to the point where I nearly even met The End
A page I had sought to reach but not what had happened then

The pages they continued though they lacked in pleasure
They lost joy, wonder, desire, and what was treasured
From the colors with their bliss to the playful ball pits
All of it got corrupted, every little bit

My mind filled with a sticky dark ick
So many toxic thoughts, it had gotten sick
Started seeing itself as a threat
Confused, alone, it had nothing left

But like the dark clouds that loom in the night
It couldn’t snuff out the last of my light
Erratic it zooms, it flashes then booms
a powerful force that’s able to spell doom

Though it only shines when it is all dark
Its what we need now, it’s just our start
Igniting the wills inside of our hearts
Its the single most important part

People never understand what it means to lack some dope
We suffer from our darker thoughts while looking for a way to cope
It breaks us down, we build it up, feeling alone and without hope
Yet the people all around somehow think that this is all a joke

Its insane for us to say that you and I are the same
when our differences here completely lies in our brains
Not neurotypical, remove the norm, please just rid it all,
remove what we say is typical, so our minds can evolve

What’s the difference? remove whats different, we aren’t all alike
You claim that theres a norm and insist it must be right
With so many of us here, how could we all be the same
That sort of ideology feels improbable, its insane

Misunderstood and misconstrued, we only wish the people knew
Just how much their representation has put us in a bad view
A little mention, a term or words, what’s about to come is so absurd
I spoke honestly in light of things yet you got stuck on what you heard

You’ve known me for such a long time, dont you know that this hurts
Like those few little words have changed my person, changed my worth
Went from being pretty unique to understanding I’m a bit different
I’m still the exact same being but now i’m treated is oh so different

It was the right move but we went the wrong direction
It was all good, but been negative since I mentioned
I didnt even change, just gave a bit of insight
But the label was made, its took from me without a fight

If only people saw things the way that I do
Its pretty unique and its a beautiful view
endless possibilities but the light always shines
Even if it gets dark, I know itll be fine

I’ve had darker days, and even worst nights
Been in places so dark I’d do anything for light
Was so hard to see, then to feel, then to stand
It felt like too much pressure, all of this to be a man

Always had to be right, could not know nothing wrong
Could never lose a fight, better work to stay strong
All of these things that we had to be
While ensuring no weakness would ever be seen

We are not perfect, we are not gods
We can’t pretend to be, we all have our flaws
We can do our best, and do our best to do better
But even then, there are times we are under the weather

Numb and cold from all those times with the snow
Uncertain of where to go, round and round the wind blows
Worried and afraid as even the Earth shakes
Hot and exhausted, dying on the floor as we bake

There is so much and too many things
I cant be the image of a perfect being
I am only human, I am only me
I don’t need judgement, I just wish you’d let me be

People look to me as if I wasted my life

9 years with someone I didnt make my wife

A third of it used on somebody I used to know

Somebody who had meant everything, someone who was my goal

It went long it went hard but the end still came

I wish it went better but truthfully it was a shame

It had more bad than good, it caused a bit of harm

All the arguing and fighting should have been the alarm

It wasnt all bad but it was never going good

Something we didn’t realize but it was the one thing we should

how did we not notice with all of our problems

they were just ignored whenever we couldn’t solve’em

We let them linger, and fester until they took hold

People would say that our relationship was out of control

We couldn’t fix it, we should have never tried

The two of us together, we were not in our right minds

Not just different, opposites that had attract

Our thoughts always even clashed as a matter of fact

Now that its over I feel quite at peace 

less fighting, less arguing, less bad to say the least

Though like then, I wont say its all good

I do know its going better than it ever could

I know me, yea I must be insane
I can’t quite say why, though I’m sure I can explain
It aint for the love of the sport but I love it all the same
Its the darker parts of me that I do well to contain
Like some oddities I know I happen to enjoy
Some sick sense of pleasure, a sadistic sense of joy
I don’t like to be evil, but ill do it for good
Ill even admit Ill enjoy it more than I should
For this theyll call me sick, say that we shouldnt be friends
I guess I shouldn’t even say it even when I trust them
But these are my thoughts, its what I like, its who I am
How could you deny, reject, and ignore it like thats a plan

You may not have meant to but you were defintely not the first
There are plenty of others who’ve learned less and done much worst
People want peace but always just dish out tons of pain
From insults and slurs to violence, its all the same
They just ensure chaos, keep us stuck in the pits
Its this negative thinking thats makes good so hard to get
Tough skin that still cracks and still bleeds
A sad enduring life is where this is going to lead

We all look for love and pray for harmony
But how can we do this if we still harm many
Open up your views, dont let them be your prison
There won’t be no problems unless their your creation
Its different its weird but as long as it causes no harm
There’s no need to be rude, nor to start to alarm
We can be better, we can come in peace
Or be kind enough to stay quiet at least

It feels so good to be able to smile
Even if it goes unseen for a while
I can’t take it, I only smile in the dark
That’s just the way I learned to protect my heart
I spent so long watching it bleed
My solution sucked, it just hid everything
I had no faith no pride and no courage
I was sick of life and the way that it hurts us
Beaten battered down til we are nothing but nervous
We stood our ground til we couldn’t handle more of this
Some lost their bodies,their mind, but we are all soulless
Stuck trying to find some sort of peace, some sort of solace
Its hard to find that sort of thing, we all know this
We offer life, we lose our light and thus have no life to live
But we make do with what we can do to try to make our lights live
We don’t give in, we dont give up, we wait to fight again
Cuz once we love our wills to fight, we all know how that ends

There are days I inquire of my own pain

I wish to bleed just to make sure I feel the same

To cause such distress to understand my mind

I have thoughts like these sometimes

A little bit of pain, or more if need be

A little for the edge, the rest for serenity 

To step outside my mind and feel a bit of peace

How could such pain not tempt be tempting

To no longer be numb, even if only for a moment

It’s what needs to be done, just to endure this torment

Though it causes a thought, one I should not think

So I share all my heart, for this is what I need

Connections are one at a time

That’s how they feel to me

One person comes

Then the other gets ready to leave

A few at once

It usually lasts a couple weeks

Til im left with none

Its like this on repeat

They come they go they come they go

My connections are all weak

 

People say forget about the past buts thats what made who I am

The good, the bad, the weird, its what made me a unique man

Ive been through so much, much I have never told

From beating people down to spending hours in the cold

Though Ive had many friends, ive always felt rather alone

Its made it feel so pointless that I even own a phone

It connects better than I, thats a fact I cant deny

Yet im called friendly and kind so its begs the question why

Why is it then, that I feel I cant connect

Like all that I say and do could never be correct

It breaks me bit by bit, makes it easy to fall apart

I feel so trapped, I dont where to start

Bound and gagged, my hands, my voice, my mind

I want out to find my people, to connect with my kind