MJ's Mind

Silently, i burn in this cage

Filling with anger fueling the rage

I couldn’t possibly endure

any of this, no, not any more

I have so much to say

yet no words come out today

I look on with so much sorrow

How can i seem happy when i feel so hollow

it eats at me, chips parts of me away

Makes life look more and more grey

Chiseling my form, sticking it to the ground

Why can’t I even make a simple sound?

It serves no purpose, why have this throat

The slightest noise, instead I choke

its cuts me off, it makes me bleed

Does so in a way you just cant see

I beg for help, hands on my neck

How cant you see, Im such a wreck

Its finally starting to tear it apart
Cutting little itty bitty pieces of your heart
Unaware of what parts are even left
Wishing to be a fraction of your best
You’ve been pushing for far too long
Pretending to be one of the strong
You knew it too, knew it all along
One day it would come out that it was all wrong

Lucky for you, you hide it well
Fuel you fool, Hiding it is just as unwell

Its hold you high against the wall
Chained, gagged, escape means to fall
It feels as though there is no other way
Either that or endure more to just stay
Bleeding more and more color away
Living in the exact same shade of grey
Living every day just like today
Living not alive, just the mundane

Lucky for you, they still dont see
Fuel you fool, they just let it be

Eventually it pierces your mind
Unable to distinguish the fine line
No longer able to tell “do I want to live or die”
It feels like it doesn’t matter no matter how hard you try
The thought, it germinates, grows so big, you relate
A simple thought sometimes an existential debate
“Why should I live, Why should I try
Isn’t it much easier if I just die”

Lucky for you, its just one thought
Fuel you fool, It only takes one thought

Suddenly your body feels heavy, its taken its toll
Way too much damage, you feel it in your soul
A simple way out, one with you in control
Not quite up for the task, unsure of the role
You’ve been shooting so long, going for gold
Would it be so bad if you finally decide to fold?

Without you, Im far beneath the ground

you’d never know with how I become when you’re around

It feels as though there’s these chains that hold me down

Not able to tell you about the me beneath the ground

Its hard to breathe, im tired of this curse

My heart it bleeds, I cant do this it hurts

It bothers me, makes me feel so nervous

The anxiety, yet thankfully you heard this

I always knew it was the little things

The ones that matter the ones that sting

The little itty bitties thats just so hard to see

So small yet impossible to let be

Like an out of place inconsistency 

One in a million and yet its quick to be seen

A misplaced brick, a crack, a colored streak

its part of being different, its what makes us unique

Its what we are made of

Its all the little things

Im filled with regret

Why did i fail that day

I think of another attempt

Why do i choose to stay

It went all black

But sadly it didnt stay that way

I didn’t want to come back

I wanted to give my all away

It pierced my will

Did so with such ease

Not quite enough to kill

Though that would leave me at peace

The dark, the light, the pain within

Its hard to imagine how Id ever win

I have no purpose,  nor any desires

have no worth, cant even picture going higher 

Im done with it, My spirits so beat

Past the point, not sure Ill ever feel complete

Like a hole, im feeling so empty

I wish to be whole, live quite soulfully 

I think, I say, I do

I think, I say, Ive become afraid to do

I think, I say, im unsure what to do

I think I say, what could i possibly do

I think, I can no longer say there is something I can do

I think, I wish to say there is so much id love to do

I think, I cant say much more than I could do

I thought i could say Ill do what i gotta do

I thought either way no matter what i say I would just do

I thought so long of what i couldnt say snd things i couldnt do

thats its all i learned to do

I think, I say, I do or at least I think I say I do

To me dear, you are lovely
My personal sun that shines
You bring me strength and joy
Manage to do it every single time

To me dear, you are beautiful
A work of art permanently on display
A walking masterpiece
Truly beautiful any day

To me dear, you are exotic
Your mind and soul so utterly unique
Like the pope but more peculiar, more special
For no title is needed in the presence of this queen

To me dear, you are life
You bring each day a reason to breathe
Shining so brightly, adamantly
To be anything like you, I would like to live too

I lost part of me when i tried to die

Guess that was a sorta successful suicide

It left me hollow, with no place to go

Bashed for even trying; in my own home

As if failing wasn’t already bad enough 

Adding insults to injuries, thats a little rough

At a young age, just starting junior high

I lost part of me when i tried to die

That was the day my confidence left my side

No purpose, not deserving of any air

No more words, Im not worth to hear

Ive learned this; I do not matter

My heart, my feelings, my mind and soul shattered

I lost part of me when i tried to die

I just wanted my sorrows to subside 

I couldn’t move forward, I let myself down

Screaming for help, wishing to be found

Yet i havent a single clue

What can I do to get better too?

I wander in search of what I had lost

I wonder in thought of what it ever was

Cant seem to recall a time it existed

A safe space, felt just like a myth did

Hear about it all the time

A wondrous place, so mighty fine

I search so hard yet cannot find

A place for me, nor peace of mind

The thoughts are violent, they boom and bang

They tear me down, say im to blame

Not quite good, not ever skilled

Just a byproduct of a weak will

The war it wage, it rages on

Inside my heart, too far beyond 

So out of reach, it yells for help

It wants to be more than an empty shell

Joy to me is unparalleled 

When I feel, it shows, i can always tell

More exciting and boisterous 

than you thought you’d ever be

This wonderful feeling

with its spontaneity 

It yields to none

it spreads the fun

It is pure magic when its begun

It brings great cheers

Erases all fears

Can even bring you into tears

But never down, just only up

It cant be bottled, it only erupts

A smile a laugh or even a giggle

It always comes out it and causes a ripple